There we go. Watch your step.
-I can磘 feeI my face, CharIie. -You just had two wisdom teeth puIIed.
Watch the drooI.
Look at that.
-That is a very sexy woman. -I磎 sorry, that arouses you?
-How you doing? -Hey.
CharIie, waIk away.
ReIax. This couId be interesting.
You got a nice swing.
Thanks.
Try stepping in to it. You wiII get more power that way.
You mean Iike this?
Yeah. DiaI one and the area code, because that is Iong-distance.
CharIie, Iet磗 go, this woman is cIearIy a Iunatic.
Yeah, but Iook at the passion, the fire...
the ass.
Is this your car?
-Do I Iook crazy to you? -WeII, frankIy....
-So whose car is it? Cheating boyfriend? -No.
Psychiatrist.
CharIie, psychiatrist.
-What more do you need to hear? -Hang on.
-So, you are beating up your shrink磗 car? -He said I have anger issues.
The quack.
-Then he hit on me. -The horny quack.
-HoId this for me. -Good, I磎 on deck.
Man, this is going to take forever.
Either one of you guys got an ice pick?
Don磘 cars Iike this usuaIIy have an aIarm system?
Thanks a Iot.
-Let磗 get out of here, CharIie. -Hey!
You are not just going to Ieave me here, are you?
Yes.
-AIan. -CharIie!
So, how come Mush Mouth gets shotgun?
Damn shrink. Anti-depressants, tranquiIizers, sIeeping piIIs.
-You want any of these? -No, thanks.
No, I磎 good.
Are you sure, because you seem a IittIe edgy?
No, I磎 a Iot edgy.
Isn磘 throwing that stuff on the road a IittIe dangerous?
To who? Raccoons? They can磘 get past the chiIdproof cap.
-I got to say, I reaIIy appreciate this, guys. -No probIem.
Big probIem.
-Frankie. -CharIie.
-Awan. -Awan?
Not 创Awan,创 Awan.
Is Awan a IittIe sIow?
Yeah.
But I make up for it by being a IittIe fast.
-I know your type. -You do?
Yep.
Don磘 care for it particuIarIy.
So, where can we drop you?
That磗 the thing. I reaIIy don磘 have anywhere to stay.
Why? Did you escape from some pIace?
Great. Pot shots from SpittIe Boy.
And if you must know, I磎 having famiIy probIems.
CharIie, you wouIdn磘 happen to know of a pIace I couId crash tonight, wouId you?
Crap!
Here we are. Chez CharIie.
Great house!
Oh, wow. You are right on the beach.
I have got to go for a swim.
-She磗 taking her cIothes off. -Yeah.
Is this a great country or what?
-Hi, Dad. Hey, UncIe CharIie. -Hey, guys.
Rose, what are you doing?
-We are pIaying Mummy on a Chair. -I磎 the mummy.
Judith, hi.
-Is Jake ready to go? -Hang on. Jake, your mom磗 here.
CharIie, why don磘 you go out on the deck and keep an eye out for...
approaching squaIIs?
I磎 on it.
It磗 squaII season.
-Hi, Mom. -Hi, sweetheart.
-What is he doing? -He磗 pIaying Mummy on a Chair.
Where is the chair?
I don磘 know the ruIes, Judith.
Hi, Rose. Thanks for babysitting.
-No probIem. We had fun. -Good.
-So who磗 the naked Iady? -Not reaIIy sure.
She was trashing a car with a basebaII bat when we Ieft the dentist磗 office...
and you know, one thing kind of Ied to another.
So you met cute, that磗 nice.
But you know, you may want to be carefuI with a girI Iike that, CharIie.
One day it磗 basebaII bats and windshieIds...
the next day you wake up with your testicIes SupergIued to your thigh.
-Point taken. -I磎 sorry about that, by the way.
Water under the bridge.
Hurry up, Jake. Your mother磗 waiting.
Remember, I磎 bringing him back tomorrow night so I can see my parents.
Why is there a woman磗 shoe on your fIoor?
ApparentIy, Mummy on a Chair is a very compIex game.
-Bye, Dad. -See you, paI.
TeII your brother he is a pig.
I wiII Ieave a note on the fridge.
-God, I needed that. -Me, too.
It磗 Iike aII my insanity and rage have just been washed away.
That磗 good. Because, you know, aII your drugs are on the Coast Highway.
Where can I take a nice hot shower?
I said where, not with whom.
You guys are so cute.
Right back at you.
Good, CharIie. Keep hitting on the deranged woman.
WhiIe you are at it, why don磘 you try humping a bear trap?
AIan, open your eyes. That is an intriguing and exciting woman.
A rare and magnificent jeweI.
-She磗 hot and you are horny. -I磎 saying.
-I just Iove warm sake. -Me, too.
Tora, tora, tora!
You know, Frankie, there are many fine hoteIs in the area.
-I can磘 stay in a hoteI. -Why not?
That is a very good question.
So, where you from?
Guess.
-I wouIdn磘 know where to begin. -Okay.
Here I am yakking about myseIf. What about you guys?
AIan, what do you do?
Good question. Guess.
How about that?
-AIan, don磘 be chiIdish. -She started it.
He is a chiropractor.
ReaIIy?
That磗 terrific. I have so much respect for what you guys do.
-SeriousIy? -Yeah.
Thank you. See that, CharIie?
My brother thinks I磎 just a gIorified masseuse.
I never said gIorified.
CharIie, you are so wrong.
Chiropractors are Iike angeIs of heaIing.
These hands have amazing powers to bring reIief and even pIeasure.
Hey, these aren磘 exactIy hooks.
-Do you get reguIar chiropractic work? -Are you kidding? Once a week.
In fact, I磎 in desperate need of an adjustment right now.
-Let me get my tabIe, I wiII fix you up. -Awesome.
Do you want me with cIothes or without?
Are they Iooking for me?
You didn磘 say anything, did you?
I got to go. I Iove you. I wiII see you soon. Come in.
Hi.
I was just going to go to bed and wanted to see if you needed anything...
toweIs, sheets...
vodka?
No, I磎 great, thanks. AIan got me totaIIy jeIIed out with that adjustment.
Man, you are so Iucky to have him right here in this house.
Yeah, I磎 Iiving a dream.
So, Iisten, if you need to taIk to somebody about, you know, anything, I磎 here.
I see that.
Okay, then.
Yeah.
I think you are a reaIIy cooI guy.
Yeah.
But I磎 not going to have sex with you.
-Ever? -Good night, CharIie.
Good night.
Okay. Round one to the hot, crazy chick.
Man, deep tissue massage, pancakes.
If you had a TV on your forehead and couId breathe through the ears you磀 be perfect.
So nobody makes you pancakes where you Iive?
Not your husband...
boyfriend...
girIfriend...
mother, father, grandma, ceIImate.
Round two.
-Morning, Frankie. -Morning, CharIie.
-Morning. -Yeah.
So, Frankie. Boy, that is a pretty name.
-How did you sIeep? -Great. Except...
I had this wiId erotic dream.
And I woke up aII drenched in sweat.
-CouId you pass the syrup? -Sure. Yeah.
Thanks, sweetie. You are a doII.
You know, I can磘 thank you guys enough for Ietting me stay here Iast night.
I just wish there was some way I couId repay you.
For a start, you couId teII us something about yourseIf.
Anything, reaIIy.
I wouIdn磘 mind hearing more about that dream.
AII right. I guess I can trust you guys.
CharIie, AIan.
I know this may sound totaIIy crazy...
but I work for a secret government agency...
and my current mission is....
I磎 sorry. You shouId see your faces. You guys are so easy.
AII right, I磎 going to go take a bath.
Who wants to scrub my back? Too Iate!
Sometimes I just crack me up.
So, what have you got going for today?
Nothing. I was just going to hang around the house.
Yeah. Me, too.
-No work? No errands? -Not a thing.
-Maybe you couId see a movie. -I磛e seen a movie.
Come on, AIan.
-Why are you doing this? -Doing what?
Why don磘 you admit that you are interested in Frankie?
I磎 not.
-You are not? -Honest to God.
Fine.
But hypotheticaIIy, if I were interested in her...
wouId you care?
Of course I wouId.
You are my brother. I don磘 want to see you get your feeIings hurt.
You just assume that if we are both interested in the same woman...
you wouId come out on top?
-Aren磘 you going to say anything? -What? There was no question there.
-God, you are such an arrogant jerk. -See, your feeIings are hurt.
My feeIings are fine.
I think the reaI issue here is Frankie Iikes me better and it磗 driving you crazy.
No.
What磗 driving me crazy is that you fought tooth and naiI to keep the Iunatic...
out of this house, but now that she is here, you want her.
I never said I wanted her.
But you think that if you did want her...
you couId have her even if I wanted her, too.
-Aren磘 you going to say something? -There was no question there.
Okay. Fine.
Take your best shot. Let me just give you a IittIe heads up.
-I am way out in front. -Yeah? How do you figure?
Frankie and I have aIready discussed having sex.
What are you doing?
I just thought Frankie might Iike some fresh toweIs.
I aIready gave her fresh toweIs.
ReaIIy?
WeII, aren磘 you ToweIey ToweIIerson aII of a sudden.
-You know, AIan, it磗 not my fauIt. -What磗 not your fauIt?
That I磛e aIways been more successfuI with women than you.
Have been, CharIie. Have been. We are not teenagers anymore.
Your bad-boy act just might be wearing just a IittIe thin.
-Or you just might be a IittIe jeaIous. -JeaIous?
Don磘...me.
When the occasion caIIs for.... I have every right to....
What? I thought we were doing funny noises.
That was an eIephant.
-Yeah, eIephant. -It was good. Yeah. ReaIIy good.
I磎 ready to go. Can one of you guys give me a ride?
-AbsoIuteIy. -Sure.
-Great. Who磗 driving? -I wiII.
-I got the Jag. -I got the VoIvo.
-Mine磗 faster. -Mine磗 safer.
-AIan, stop competing with me. -Why don磘 you stop competing with me?
-Why shouId I stop? I磎 winning. -Like heII you are.
-Like heII I am. Ask Frankie. -Why don磘 you ask Frankie?
-I don磘 need to ask her. -What are you afraid of?
I磎 afraid I磎 going to hit you so hard I碔I be an onIy chiId.
Yeah? Bring it on.
Hey! Stop it!
What is wrong with you two? You are famiIy. You are brothers.
Do you understand how precious that is?
Do you have a cIue the pain you feeI when a famiIy rips itseIf apart...
and there is no one to repIace them?
I mean, that磗 it, you know, you are aII aIone in the worId and....
It磗 just so horribIe.
-It磗 okay. -Yeah, Iook, we are not fighting.
Yeah. We Iove each other. See?
Yeah, and it doesn磘 matter who drives, you know. We wiII both come.
Good. Let磗 go.
-Nice house. -Yeah.
AII right, I磛e just got to pick up a few things and then...
I was hoping you couId take me to the train station.
-The train station? Where are you going? -I don磘 know. I wiII figure something out.
If it heIps any, you are weIcome to stay with us for a coupIe more days.
-I couIdn磘 impose. -It磗 no imposition.
-Yeah. We Iike having you. -Are you sure?
It磗 settIed. You are staying with us.
Man, how much do I Iove you guys.
I碔I be right back.
-What a nice girI. -Yeah.
Of course, we stiII don磘 know a damn thing about her.
True. AIthough that is one big-ass house she Iives in.
Or is robbing.
That wouId make us the duped getaway drivers.
Moron accessories to grand theft.
That磗 a major feIony.
Yeah. Hard time.
I can磘 do hard time, CharIie. I have aIIergies.
That磗 going to be your biggest probIem.
Watch your head, sweetheart.
Hi.
I磎 Joanie.
-Hi. -Okay. We can go now.
Where are we going, Mommy?
We are going to go to CharIie and AIan磗 house, hon.
It磗 a wonderfuI pIace where those awfuI peopIe wiII never find us.
You were right.
We shouId have taken the VoIvo.
Stay tuned for scenes from the next Two and a HaIf Men.
Next on Two and a HaIf Men:
Are you guys gay?
-Unfit, how? -You know....
We got to get them out of here.
You can take your damn money...
and stick it up your 创white bread, country cIub...
创Tournament of Roses, Iiposuctioned创 ass.
I just met your brother磗 Iatest stuff.
-Why do you assume it磗 his stuff? -What? Is it yours?
No, but it磗 not his, either.
HoId on there, Pecos BiII.
No, I Iike girIs. Just not into eight-year-oIds.
The bad news is that wasn磘 my shrink磗 car.
It磗 been so Iong since anybody磗 touched me.
Come on. Don磘 you want to spoon?
Coffee?
I磎 the extra guy.
I磎 wrapped tighter than an airport sandwich.
Here, I磎 running Iate.
You磖e going to get Iaid tonight.
Why doesn磘 she just kick me in the baIIs?
EngIish